Thursday, January 21, 2010

Satan responds to Pat Robertson in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune

As you may have heard, Pat Roberton claims that Haiti's pact with Satan caused last week's earthquake. What you may not have heard is that Satan responded to Pat in the Minneapolis Star Tribune today. We present the following transcript of the Prince of Darkness' missive as a service to our readership.

(Tip o' the hat to Lily Coyle, who was apparently the first person to recieve Ol' Scratch's message.)

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher.

The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake.

Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan


  1. Oh so true.


  2. There is an old saying, can't remember it's origin or the author and I paraphrase; "There is a demon in hell, sitting on a rock, weeping over the wickedness of men". Good ol Scratch, I mean Pat, is a prime example of this. Satan doesn't have to do much but sit back, watch and laugh.

  3. Thaddeus sez:

    Really makes you appreciate the Stones "Sympathy for the Devil", neh?

  4. I was pointed to this post by a friend because I responded to Pat Robertson's nonsense on my own blog. This has made me laugh out loud. Well done. Sooner or later, these peddlers of misery for their own gain, cloaked in the name of religion or philosophy, will become extinct. On the current form though, I think we're in for a long wait...